Miserere Mei, Deus {Have Mercy on Me, O God}

 

I remember exactly where I first heard the piercing note at the 2:00 minute mark in the above song. Surrounded by chilly stone and tile, and later by rich warm wood and angels overhead. That first moment I was just outside the chapel, overhearing the New College Choir practise for Ash Wednesday evensong.

The piece was even more stunning when I was sitting in the pew a few hours later and those notes rang out from every stone and surface, as if the angels high above were giving voice to the Creator. . .

. . .Let me explain that when I say there were angels overhead, I mean there were really angels above me.

Ever since that day, I love to listen to the haunting Miserere Mei, Deus on Ash Wednesday (and throughout Lent). Though I had been attending an Anglican church for a while before spending four months in Oxford, I don't think I knew then that Psalm 51 was specifically associated with Ash Wednesday. 

Have mercy on me, O God,

    according to Your steadfast love;

according to Your abundant mercy

    blot out my transgressions.

Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,

    and cleanse me from my sin!

For I know my transgressions,

    and my sin is ever before me.

Against You, You only, have I sinned

    and done what is evil in Your sight

. . . 

Behold, You delight in truth in the inward being,

    and You teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;

    wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

. . .

Create in me a clean heart, O God,

    and renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from Your presence,

    and take not Your Holy Spirit from me.

(Psalm 51.1-4a, 6-7, 10-11 ESV UK)

This Ash Wednesday has been grey with great white flakes of snow sifting o'er the valley like powdered sugar. They came more and more rapidly, until a fluffy almost-four-inches of snow crunched underfoot and buried the roads. My sweet boyfriend offered to come pick me up for evensong in his four-wheel-drive truck, but it was not to be. After quite a harrowing afternoon that ended with his work truck being towed, we both decided that staying home was best. 

In the gathering dusk I put the kettle on, lit three candles, and streamed our Ash Wednesday service. I even crushed my blackened match so I could join in the receiving the sign of death on my forehead whilst saying, "Remember that thou art dust and to dust thou shalt return." And though I couldn't receive the physical Eucharist with the congregation, I prayed the Prayer of Spiritual Communion, receiving the sign of death that leads to Eternal Life. 

It was not the way I would prefer to step into Lent—separated from my physical church family—but there was still a sacred space, a sacred time that I was able to step into, perhaps in a deeper way than if I had been physically present with other believers. Still, I look forward to gathering in person as we continue this Lenten journey.

I also look forward to removing some noise in my life (the car radio, shows, certain foods) in order to listen to the call of the Father. I can only say I sense that He is moving, that He wants to speak something to me that I have not had the quiet or space to hear before this season. So I ask for an open, hearing, obedient heart. I ask for eyes to see. And I give thanks for all the ways I have experienced His kindness today—from beautiful, much-needed snow and Nick's safety, to the quiet darkness, lit by a trio of beeswax candles and warmed by a mug of tea. 

O Lord our God, grant us grace 

to desire You with our whole heart,
that desiring You we may seek You;

and that seeking You we may find You,
and that finding You we may love You;
and loving You we may hate those sins
from which You have redeemed us;
through Jesus Christ our Lord.

—St Anselm

Wisconsin, Love, & Hockey

Usually I spend Valentine's Day with dear female friends alternately dressing up or wearing jammies, eating yummy food, and just catching up on life. Sometimes we chat over crafts, sometimes we just enjoy each other's company over a meal together. 

But this year I got to celebrate Valentine's Day with my man. :) Since we don't have the same days off, I took some vacation time and spent the whole day with Nick. It was fabulous!

We drove to Denver and went to a Wisconsin pub before going to my first-ever hockey game (tickets compliments of Nick's mum for our Christmas gift).

 

(Not my favourite photo of myself, but it's a cute one of Nick, & you can see the Wisconsin pub...)

We briefly wandered under some lights strung over a side street—it reminded me of little streets in Oxford.

It was pretty chilly and a storm was coming in, so we walked to the arena to get ready to watch the Avs play the Lightning.

All in all, it was a pretty stellar first-ever game! The Avs scored within the first minute of the game. At the end of the the third period, the game was tied and went into overtime. No one scored in overtime, so they went to a shootout. Unfortunately, we lost in that round, but it was still a really fun evening! Then I got snowed in with Nick and his mum. So, we went from never having the same days off to getting to spend two whole days together. :)

I really do have other musings in my mind that I'd like to pen, but until then, I thought it would be nice to have something like a scrapbook page of Valentine's Day @ the Avs game with Nick. 💕

Of Balloons and Birthdays. . .

Last week I turned a number a little shy of forty. Hard to realise my thirties are more behind me than ahead. I've enjoyed my thirties as a much more stable (though less spontaneous) place than my twenties. I might dream fewer dreams, but the ones I do dream feel attainable rather than wild and impossible. Not to say that some wild and impossible dreams haven't become realities (studying and living in Oxford twelve years ago, for example!).


Many of my dreams (though not all) lie in being in a good community of believers at work, at church, and in my small group... They lie in being safe and seen and loved. In knowing that God is God and I am not...and when I'm afraid He is present and capable and in control.


Rather than telling you 38 things I loved about the last year (which I could do!) or 38 things I want to do this coming year (which I'm not sure I could do yet), let me show you some of what I'm thankful for (relationships that are anywhere from brand-new to twenty years in the making).



 

The hostess trio (Brenna, Lyndi, & Carrie)     +     Grace, Jeremy, and Brenna again ;)



 

The whole crew and the A-mazing fruit tart made by the more amazing Lyndi!

Me and my man =]

_____

A couple of days later, Nick turned a number much closer to thirty than I did... We celebrated together with his mum at Cheddars. Yum! (Not pictured: four amazing cookies from Crumbl Cookie: Key Lime Pie, Cookies n'Cream, Churro, and Blueberry Muffin)


 

This is the man I feel safe with. The man who makes my heart sing. The man who I don't have to be 'on' around. The man who holds me close and I fit there perfectly. The man who still gives me butterflies. The man I pray for. The man who calls me darling and makes my heart melt. . . The man who is home.

Fall into me and I'll catch you, darlin'

We'll dance in the street like nobody's watching

It's just you and me and the song on repeat in my head

Playing over and over

I'm drunk on your voice high on the moment

I'd fall for you twice if that's what you wanted

I'd give you my life from now till forever

I'm falling in love with you

Over and over again

Until I had met you

There was no sun in my sky

No mirrors for monsters

And no love in sight

Then you walked down those stairs

And I knew my heart wasn't mine

On the day that I met you

My whole world came alive

—Forest Blakk, Fall into Me