Wedding!

 For a long time I didn't expect to get married... 

...But on Hobbit Day, I married the man I love. 💕    

           

               

         

So many friends and family travelled from all over to celebrate with us (and help with all those last minute things)... It went so fast! But it was beautiful.

 

 

Praise God from Whom all blessings flow

Praise Him all creatures here below

Praise Him above ye Heavenly Host

Praise, Father, Son, and Holy Ghost

Come, Dance in Joy and Sit with Sorrow

How is it September? In just two weeks I get to marry my sweet man! 2024 has been a full year—for me, a mostly happy year. A quiet year on my blog and in my journal. I'm often too busy or tired to reflect. . .or too happy to write from the depths of my soul. Too happy? Shouldn't our great joys be just as deep as (or deeper than) our great pain?

Recently I've thought that perhaps there are so many sad songs because sorrow is achingly personal. Sadness is so raw that we must process it in writing, in poetry, in song. And our happiness is much more 'in the moment'—to be lived here and now. The immediacy of our delight and wonder is what makes it (in part) so wonderful. It's not something we sit around pondering, it's something we live. It's what makes all those memories we treasure and ponder over when we've lost something or someone. 

But the truth remains that I resonate with sad songs much more than with happy ones. In fact, I prefer sad songs and minor chords. One of my friends once told me they had experienced too much trauma and sadness to listen to sad songs... And my response was, I've experienced enough loss, sorrow, and abandonment to know how deeply I need sad songs. 

You don't write the blues because you've lived a cheery life. Writing, playing, or just listening to music is one of the best ways to process our emotions. Swelling joy, patriotism, sadness, regret, nostalgia, longing, and even the hope of good to come can be felt in music. We feel it in sweeping scores in films. We find a camaraderie with others when we share a love for the same musician. Sometimes we are the closest to our truest selves late at night, listening through a stream of songs alone, absorbing the music and lyrics.  

After reflecting, I find that I write more, feel more deeply, slow down, and am quieter when I'm sad. And when I'm happy, my blog and my journal stare at me as I cuddle up with Nick for a movie night or head out the door to spend time with friends... As I live the life I've been given and make the memories that are so precious to me. 

I have felt guilty for not writing more, because writing does truly help me process both the good and the sorrowful. The happy and the horrific. And let's be real, we live in a very broken, fallen world that is full of tragic news, of fear, of deep pain. I want to remain present to myself and my emotions, both glad and hard. There is so much life to be lived, experienced, pondered... And lately I find myself doing that pondering aloud with Nick or Kasey or my family a lot more than with my journal. I process the pain aloud in prayer in my kitchen or on my porch or on a walk... And in the arms of this man who is not afraid to cry in front of me, to cry with me, and maybe even to cry for me. 

December Jamborees

Recapping December in Photos...

Summit's Christmas party at the Peel House was just lovely!

Good thing we looked fabulous in this photo, because we only took two all evening!

We had a bit of a mini Oxford reunion watching Emmeline in The Nutcracker. Leah's daughter was enthralled...with the ballet. And I confess that her big eyes, quick smile, and confiding nature stole my heart right away!

Nick and I found a tin soldier (not quite a nutcracker) when we went to the Broadmoor to see their Christmas creations and decorations. They go all out with classic trimmings and lots of lights...and a life-size gingerbread confection that changes each year. 

They also have something of a Beauty and the Beast library with a fireplace and movable ladder. *Happy sigh* We spent most of our evening browsing the books and reading a beautifully illustrated copy of Clement C Moore's Twas the Night before Christmas.

  

Over all, 2023 has held some very big losses and sadness... But it has also been filled with much happiness and excitement, too (there's a sapphire ring on my left hand, since Nick asked me an important question when we were in Wisconsin in October).

The best parts of the year and the hardest parts all involved people we love and support (and who support us). Where would we be if the Lord did not put us into families and tuck us into loving communities? Where would we be without the Lord Himself? HE is our life. 

Somebody Loved

  Rain turns the sand into mud

    Wind turns the trees into bone

Stars turning high up above

                 You turned me into somebody loved

— The Weepies

  

Maybe it's the lateness of the hour. Maybe it's the weight of sorrow from the last two weeks finally breaking in. Maybe it's my lack of sleep. And maybe it's just truth hitting my unguarded heart... I stumbled across this song tonight, sitting in the soft twinkle lights of my kitchen. And now I find myself weeping as I listen on repeat. 

So much is held in that tiny line, "You turned me into somebody loved." Not someone lovable. Goodness knows all of us have moments, hours, whole seasons of being unlovable. But when someone loves us, even in in those seasons, well... We become someone loved. Not by anything we've done, but because someone makes the choice to love us. And that choice shapes who we are. 

And maybe I'm weeping in my kitchen because I've lived my whole life with people who love me. Knowing God loves me. Not everyone gets that—always knowing they are loved. And when someone does really, truly love them, it transforms them into somebody loved. 

 

Maybe I'm letting the tears flow here in my kitchen, because I also know that love for the first time. I haven't dated many men, but the ones I dated in the past, while I knew they loved me, never made me feel like somebody loved.

However, those words pierced my heart tonight because they resonated as utterly true. Nick has turned me into somebody loved. Maybe because he sees me for me—not as a project, not as an accessory, not as a sounding board, and not as an ego boost. I don't exist to highlight his story. He just loves me. 

I've always been loved, and I don't even know how grateful I am for that incredible gift...until I see the fractured lives all around me. Until my own world cracks. I've always known my parents' love, my sisters' love, God's love—I've never known life without their love. I accidentally take it for granted. I don't mean to, and I am deeply thankful for that constant love... It has made me who I am in so many wonderful, healthy ways.

But I lived so much of my life without Nick's love that I can see the difference between who I was before and who I am now. There is a different kind of comfort and confidence that comes when you are turned into somebody loved. 

As I listen to this song, I think of a young woman, neglected, abandoned as a child. She is out in the cold, on the streets. She has been used and abused. She is skittish and gauche. And then, someone comes along and loves her, even when she is graceless. They don't love what she could become, they just love her. . .as she is. And through that love, she is changed. Because how can we not be changed when we find that we are somebody loved? And yet, it isn't who-we-will-become that the person loves. It is us, as we are—messy and ridiculous—that they love. Certainly this can happen in non-romantic relationships, too. But there seems to be something sweeter when this change comes though a spouse (or an almost-spouse). 

My my writing skills are dusty, but even if they weren't, I really can't gather into words what that two minute forty-one second song says so simply and profoundly.

All I know is that being turned into somebody loved is a miracle—a gift from God.

____

1. Somebody Loved lyrics © Deb Talan Music, Steve Tannen Music

2. Photo by Tuva Mathilde Løland on Unsplash

I Have Set before You Life and Death

Misty days and Spring rains have given way to Summer heat; screen doors are flung open for cooling breezes; there are pots of flowers thriving on the porch. . . One of those is quite new, a lovely ribbed green ceramic creation with pink vincas blooming over the edge. It was a surprise gift from Nick, when he unexpectedly popped by my office on his day off this week.

Sometimes we need delightful surprises of flowers and monster-sized cookies, soft dresses on sale, and precious days with family. We need sad songs and sweet ones, too. We need bright smiles and long kisses, an unlooked-for hug on a hard day, and honest tears as we work through discerning what is right and best. We need meandering walks to drink in late sunshine and colour-drenched flowers. We need crickets and quiet moments on the porch, talking with God...which I think mostly means listening hard in the silences between words.

It has been both a restful, beautiful Spring with silvery mists and clouds rolling in over the mountains, and simultaneously a difficult season of stress, solicitude, and stealthy sorrow snaking its way into my family. I loved going home in April to take Nick to meet my family and enjoy the glorious spring beauty of the Midwest. I loved driving to Kansas to meet up with my immediate family to celebrate my aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary... It was lovely to reconnect with many of my cousins, though the days were laced with a bittersweet undertone, as my uncle's health is deteriorating rapidly. 

Though it may not sound like it, the thread weaving the beauty, the bittersweet, the bite of sorrow is always the Lord of all. Not simply in the Bible Project podcasts or daily lectio divina of Pray as You Go, or even in Tim Keller sermons (how sorrowed I have been with his recent passing!)... Though also exactly in and through those things. Yet it is the Lord asking me questions from the mouth of the man I love, from my best friends, from unexpected sources. There is the question of God giving us choices, life and death—which will we choose? It sounds so easy: choose life! But am I seeing death as life? Will I choose wrongly because my eyes are mis-seeing? And what does that stem from? Is it because I am unused to looking at the goodness of the Lord?

What does loving someone well look like? Lately it has involved both saying what I need and setting boundaries. It involves sacrifice of time, and also listening fully engaged. It means being quieter than I have been lately. Do I remember that God is the Someone I love first? Am I loving Him well?

Questions, questions, questions. . . And Beauty. And sorrow. And joy. And hope. And boundaries. And learning to say hard things. And quiet. And open hands. It all weaves and flows; it all whirls in the delicate dance of this life we live, the air we've been gifted to breathe. All these come as gifts of some kind, even the gifts that feel like pain. As God gently, graciously unpeels our fingers from 'round the things we cling to, we stop strangling them and allow the breath of life to come in. . .

Come, Holy Spirit. . .

*Photo stills from The Cottage Fairy, no copyright infringement intended (I just want to share the beauty)...

Miserere Mei, Deus {Have Mercy on Me, O God}

 

I remember exactly where I first heard the piercing note at the 2:00 minute mark in the above song. Surrounded by chilly stone and tile, and later by rich warm wood and angels overhead. That first moment I was just outside the chapel, overhearing the New College Choir practise for Ash Wednesday evensong.

The piece was even more stunning when I was sitting in the pew a few hours later and those notes rang out from every stone and surface, as if the angels high above were giving voice to the Creator. . .

. . .Let me explain that when I say there were angels overhead, I mean there were really angels above me.

Ever since that day, I love to listen to the haunting Miserere Mei, Deus on Ash Wednesday (and throughout Lent). Though I had been attending an Anglican church for a while before spending four months in Oxford, I don't think I knew then that Psalm 51 was specifically associated with Ash Wednesday. 

Have mercy on me, O God,

    according to Your steadfast love;

according to Your abundant mercy

    blot out my transgressions.

Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,

    and cleanse me from my sin!

For I know my transgressions,

    and my sin is ever before me.

Against You, You only, have I sinned

    and done what is evil in Your sight

. . . 

Behold, You delight in truth in the inward being,

    and You teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;

    wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

. . .

Create in me a clean heart, O God,

    and renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from Your presence,

    and take not Your Holy Spirit from me.

(Psalm 51.1-4a, 6-7, 10-11 ESV UK)

This Ash Wednesday has been grey with great white flakes of snow sifting o'er the valley like powdered sugar. They came more and more rapidly, until a fluffy almost-four-inches of snow crunched underfoot and buried the roads. My sweet boyfriend offered to come pick me up for evensong in his four-wheel-drive truck, but it was not to be. After quite a harrowing afternoon that ended with his work truck being towed, we both decided that staying home was best. 

In the gathering dusk I put the kettle on, lit three candles, and streamed our Ash Wednesday service. I even crushed my blackened match so I could join in the receiving the sign of death on my forehead whilst saying, "Remember that thou art dust and to dust thou shalt return." And though I couldn't receive the physical Eucharist with the congregation, I prayed the Prayer of Spiritual Communion, receiving the sign of death that leads to Eternal Life. 

It was not the way I would prefer to step into Lent—separated from my physical church family—but there was still a sacred space, a sacred time that I was able to step into, perhaps in a deeper way than if I had been physically present with other believers. Still, I look forward to gathering in person as we continue this Lenten journey.

I also look forward to removing some noise in my life (the car radio, shows, certain foods) in order to listen to the call of the Father. I can only say I sense that He is moving, that He wants to speak something to me that I have not had the quiet or space to hear before this season. So I ask for an open, hearing, obedient heart. I ask for eyes to see. And I give thanks for all the ways I have experienced His kindness today—from beautiful, much-needed snow and Nick's safety, to the quiet darkness, lit by a trio of beeswax candles and warmed by a mug of tea. 

O Lord our God, grant us grace 

to desire You with our whole heart,
that desiring You we may seek You;

and that seeking You we may find You,
and that finding You we may love You;
and loving You we may hate those sins
from which You have redeemed us;
through Jesus Christ our Lord.

—St Anselm

Wisconsin, Love, & Hockey

Usually I spend Valentine's Day with dear female friends alternately dressing up or wearing jammies, eating yummy food, and just catching up on life. Sometimes we chat over crafts, sometimes we just enjoy each other's company over a meal together. 

But this year I got to celebrate Valentine's Day with my man. :) Since we don't have the same days off, I took some vacation time and spent the whole day with Nick. It was fabulous!

We drove to Denver and went to a Wisconsin pub before going to my first-ever hockey game (tickets compliments of Nick's mum for our Christmas gift).

 

(Not my favourite photo of myself, but it's a cute one of Nick, & you can see the Wisconsin pub...)

We briefly wandered under some lights strung over a side street—it reminded me of little streets in Oxford.

It was pretty chilly and a storm was coming in, so we walked to the arena to get ready to watch the Avs play the Lightning.

All in all, it was a pretty stellar first-ever game! The Avs scored within the first minute of the game. At the end of the the third period, the game was tied and went into overtime. No one scored in overtime, so they went to a shootout. Unfortunately, we lost in that round, but it was still a really fun evening! Then I got snowed in with Nick and his mum. So, we went from never having the same days off to getting to spend two whole days together. :)

I really do have other musings in my mind that I'd like to pen, but until then, I thought it would be nice to have something like a scrapbook page of Valentine's Day @ the Avs game with Nick. 💕

Of Balloons and Birthdays. . .

Last week I turned a number a little shy of forty. Hard to realise my thirties are more behind me than ahead. I've enjoyed my thirties as a much more stable (though less spontaneous) place than my twenties. I might dream fewer dreams, but the ones I do dream feel attainable rather than wild and impossible. Not to say that some wild and impossible dreams haven't become realities (studying and living in Oxford twelve years ago, for example!).


Many of my dreams (though not all) lie in being in a good community of believers at work, at church, and in my small group... They lie in being safe and seen and loved. In knowing that God is God and I am not...and when I'm afraid He is present and capable and in control.


Rather than telling you 38 things I loved about the last year (which I could do!) or 38 things I want to do this coming year (which I'm not sure I could do yet), let me show you some of what I'm thankful for (relationships that are anywhere from brand-new to twenty years in the making).



 

The hostess trio (Brenna, Lyndi, & Carrie)     +     Grace, Jeremy, and Brenna again ;)



 

The whole crew and the A-mazing fruit tart made by the more amazing Lyndi!

Me and my man =]

_____

A couple of days later, Nick turned a number much closer to thirty than I did... We celebrated together with his mum at Cheddars. Yum! (Not pictured: four amazing cookies from Crumbl Cookie: Key Lime Pie, Cookies n'Cream, Churro, and Blueberry Muffin)


 

This is the man I feel safe with. The man who makes my heart sing. The man who I don't have to be 'on' around. The man who holds me close and I fit there perfectly. The man who still gives me butterflies. The man I pray for. The man who calls me darling and makes my heart melt. . . The man who is home.

Fall into me and I'll catch you, darlin'

We'll dance in the street like nobody's watching

It's just you and me and the song on repeat in my head

Playing over and over

I'm drunk on your voice high on the moment

I'd fall for you twice if that's what you wanted

I'd give you my life from now till forever

I'm falling in love with you

Over and over again

Until I had met you

There was no sun in my sky

No mirrors for monsters

And no love in sight

Then you walked down those stairs

And I knew my heart wasn't mine

On the day that I met you

My whole world came alive

—Forest Blakk, Fall into Me

Give Thanks with a Grateful Heart

Thanksgiving is my favourite holiday... This year I've been especially aware that people seem to want to skip this beautiful holiday, jumping from Halloween to Christmas before all the leaves had fallen. 

Sometimes my frustrated cry of "sanctity of Thanksgiving" feels futile in the face of consumerism and self-focus. But as long as someone is there to raise the "sanctity of Thanksgiving" alarm, then there is a spark of hope. And who doesn't need a spark of hope in these short days and long nights of late autumn (for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere)?

Without further ado, here are some things I am grateful for... This list is by no means exhaustive!

• The grace and patience of the Lord, even when I have been faithless
  
  
• The holiness of God—a gift which He imparts to us
  
  
• This fabulous playlist of Thanksgiving hymns
  
  
• The Bible Project podcast and Tim's sermon podcast, Exploring My Strange Bible
  
  
• Soft, warm, fuzzy sweaters with pockets... Given to me as a gift and which is nice enough to be worn to work, and cosy enough to be worn with leggings around the house
  
  
• The Chosen (Seriously, Season 2 Episode 2 about Nathanael makes me cry. Every. Single. Time.)
  
  
• Books! I am grateful for stories that dance us across the universe and time, land us in the shoes of a different-than-I-am person, and give us perspective we didn't have before
  
  
• People who read audiobooks—I salute you and I am ever so grateful for you!
  
  
• Being seen and included by many friends and family
  
  
• Being loved...in spite of myself
  
  
• Open hearts and open arms
  
  
• My loving, patient, thought-provoking co-workers
  
  
• My dear small group family
  
  
• My blood family... The more I meet other people, the more I realise what a gift it is that my family loves me, is safe, deals with conflict (to some degree), takes responsibility for wrongdoings, etc. My family aren't perfect (they'd have to kick me out if they were), but they image the Trinity to me
  
   

  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Abigail getting baptised in the ocean this summer!
  
  

  

  
  
  
• My kind, sweet, thoughtful boyfriend—Nick—who listens to me, shares his heart with me, who is considerate of others, and who is home to me like no one else
  
  
  
  
  
• My bestest friends, Kasey (who came to visit me last month!) and Lyndi
  
  
  
  
  
• Two-day work weeks and a five-day break
  
  
• Getting to edit for work (as in, it's a paying job!)
  
  
• Tastebuds and toenails, throats-that-aren't-sore, working limbs, breathing without pain, a heart that doesn't feel like it's being squeezed, and all the other things I too often take for granted until they don't work...
  
  
• Oh.... And did I mention that I am grateful for Nick? Because... I am =]

September Snapshots

The wonderful thing about September is summer-melting-into-autumn and the slant of the sun. Work finally slows down and I feel like I can breathe again. And this September I've had the gift of getting to spend a lot of time with Nick. :)

Vibes game—thanks for the second-row-behind-home-plate tickets, Brandi and Ruble! Nick and I are fairly convinced that part of the coaches' salary is based on their theatrics in getting kicked out of the game. Also, Vibes fans don't practise good sportsmanship. That has been repeatedly disappointing. The fireworks, however were amazing! Second time Nick and I have watched fireworks together this summer.

Nick and I don't have the same days off normally, so it was fun to have Labour Day off where we could actually spend a day together. We went to Twin Lakes to hike Interlaken and have a picnic lunch at the dock.

It was late in September
And I'd seen you before
You were always the cold one
But I was never that sure
You were all by yourself
Staring up at a dark grey sky
I was changed

Cry 

—Mandy Moore

Post-picnic (Pic-Nick!)

Sunset on our way back to the car. . . We had to stop by the water to skip rocks and enjoy this amazing view—God sure knows how to paint the sky! We also saw a big black bear when pulling into Manitou. :)

____

The next weekend we went to the wedding of my coworkers. Their vows and celebration of the Eucharist (their first act as a married couple) brought tears to my eyes. . . And the pastor's wedding homily was both encouraging and challenging. (Not pictured: I caught the bouquet, a first for me!)

_____

Rather spontaneously, I flew to MN to meet up with Nick as he was driving home from a family vacation. We made the long drive rather slowly, but somehow managed not to take any photos! On the way, we got to stop in Omaha to see Kasey (alas, no photos of us together, either). She sent us home with a loaf of homemade sourdough bread and maple leaf cookies, and Nick shared cheese curds as we sipped caffeine and had a lovely evening. I have the best friends (well, friend and boyfriend)! In place of the photos we didn't take, here is Nick with family:

_____

I do plenty of things without Nick, too... I just don't always get photos of them!

• I went for a long hike to clear my head and heart after a long summer stuck in my basement office.  I saw grey jays, downy woodpeckers, a stag and hart bounding up a mountainside, and way more green than I normally see in Colorado at this time of year.
  
  
• There was an open Scripture Circle with Rabbi Noah, reflecting on the last chapter of the Pentateuch and how it is a reversal of several things in Genesis 1-2, and the completing of some things for Moses (a view of the sacred future of Israel, even though he doesn't get to Hebrew [literally cross over] with the Hebrews; finally seeing the face of God and indeed dying—having his ruach return to the mouth of God—and Drawn Out [the meaning of Moses] was put in the adamah by God Himself).
  
  
• Then I've been working my way through the "Who is God?" Bible Project podcast. It's been very interesting and offering bigger ides and new categories to help me process the Trinity.
  
  
• Packing and unpacking things with Lyndi as she moves into a new space and a new season of 'roommating' again.
  
  
• Last weekend I saw a large buck on my neighbour's roof. Amazon ain't got nothing on Rocky Mountain Santa's delivery team.
  
  
• Jeremy and Grace had a handful of us over to Celebrate Rosh Hashanah on Sunday... We enjoyed good food, lively conversation, and a very fun/funny game of Cards Christians Like. 
  
  
• And lastly, I discovered that chiropractors really are magicians. Wow.

With that, I must retire to Dreamland and await October in all its splendour. 🍁